Criminal Law - Effect of Domestic Violence on Children

All children, who live in homes where domestic violence is occurring, are affected by this experience. The children will be affected differently, based on:

Their age and interpretation of the experience,

How they have learned to survive and cope with stress,

The availability of friends, relatives, and other adults,

Their ability to accept support and assistance from adults.

The effect of this violence on children can be seen in many different ways. Each individual child will exhibit some of the following, and possibly exhibit different effects at different times:

Emotional

Feeling guilty for the abuse and for not stopping it

Grieving for family and personal losses

Confusion regarding conflicting feelings toward the parents

Fearful of abandonment, expressing feelings, the unknown, or personal injury

Angry about the violence and the chaos in their lives

Depressed, feeling helpless and powerless

Embarrassed about events at home

Cognitive

Believe they are responsible for the violence

Blame others for their own behaviors

Believe that it is acceptable to hit people they care for to get what they want, to express anger, to feel powerful, or to get others to meet their needs

Have a low self concept originating from a sense of family powerlessness

Do not ask for what they need, or what they want

Do not trust

Belief that feeling angry is bad because people get hurt

Behavioral (often seen in opposite extremes)

Acting out; withdrawal

Overachiever; underachiever

Refusing to go to school

Caretaking, more concern for others than self, parent substitutIon

Aggressive vs. passive

Rigid defenses (aloof, sarcastic, defensive, "black and white thinking")

Excessive attention seeking (often using extreme behaviors)

Bedwetting and nightmares

Out of control behavior, not able to set own limits or follow directions

Social

Isolated from friends and relatives

Relationships are frequently stormy, start intensely and end abruptly
Difficulty in trusting, especially adults

Poor conflict resolution and anger management skills

Excessive social involvement (to avoid home life)

May be passive with peers, or bully peers

Engage in exploitive relationships either as perpetrator or victim

Play with peers gets exceedingly rough

Physical

Somatic complaints (headaches, stomachaches)

Nervous, anxious and a short attention span (frequently mis-diagnosed as ADHD.)

Tired, lethargic

Frequently ill

Poor personal hygiene

Regression in development (bedwetting, thumb sucking)

Desensitization to pain

High risk play and activities

Self abuse

Batterer's Tactics During the Relationship

Battering the victim in front of the children

Threatening to hurt or kill the victim in front of the children

Telling the children that the victim is to blame for the violence and abuse

Justifying the violence to the children

Telling the children that the victim is a bad parent

Using other relatives to speak badly about the victim to the children

Yelling at the victim when the children "misbehave"

Getting the children to take the batterer’s side

Telling them that the victim is crazy, stupid, and incompetent

Abusing or killing the family pets

Using children as confidants

Threatening to commit suicide

Withholding money for children’s needs

Physically abusing the children

Threatening to take children if the victim leaves

Driving recklessly with the children or the victim in the car

Abusing drugs or alcohol in front of the children

Coming home intoxicated

Batterer's Tactics After Separation

Asking children what the victim is doing

Asking who the victim is seeing

Blaming the victim for the separation

Blaming the victim for the relationship ending

Telling the children that they cannot be a family because of the victim

Talking about what the victim did "wrong"

Calling constantly to talk to the children

Showing up unexpectedly to see the children

Criticizing the victim's new partner

Assaulting the victim's new partner

Withholding child support

Blaming the victim for the batterer's failure to pay child support

Showering children with gifts during visitation

Undermining the victim's rules for the children

Picking up the children at school without telling the victim

Keeping them longer than agreed on

Abducting the children

Threatening to take custody away from the victim for failure to reconcile with the batterer

Blaming the victim for their health and emotional problems

Telling them the victim is an alcoholic, addict, or mentally ill

Making frequent court dates to change the parenting plan

Saying the victim didn’t want them

Physically abusing them and telling them not to tell the victim

Abusing a new partner in front of them

Changing visitation plans suddenly